There was an ache in my heart…
lingering there for most of the morning, and from where it came I didn’t know. Nor did I know what caused the ache, but rather than wait for the pain to go away, or resist, I decided to listen to my heart, and to let the body tell the tale.
I took a moment to clear up some space for my heart to speak. I visualized my heart welcomed it to share its pain, and then I saw a big, black blob, which transformed into a four-year-old version of myself.
“What do you need?” I asked the little Candice inside of my heart.
“Ice cream,” she said with an edge.
We went to my favorite place in Chicago to get ice cream, the place where I always order at least one scoop of salted caramel ice cream, and where I savor very loudly, like a kid, the first sweet taste of the ice cream. We held hands and I showed her the flavors, but she had no interest in eating the ice cream. Instead she took the colorful buckets of ice cream to dump them ferociously outside onto the sidewalk, where they quickly formed puddles and ran down the street, like chalk patterns being washed away. This was, I realized, the unexpressed anger in my heart.
My younger self then leaned into the buckets and screamed. I let her know that she could scream as loud as she wanted, and she roared. I screamed with her, not only in my mind but with my physical body, and in that same way I cried and felt heat tremble from my body out my hands and feet. When I returned to my younger self in my mind, I found she had crawled into the buckets and slumbered peacefully. And when she woke and stumbled out of the bucket, the mother inside of me knew that she wanted to be held. A big, heavy breath settled in my body – our body – as I hugged her.
“I love you,” I whispered to her. “I am here.”
This may all seem a strange daydream or fantasy.
But it doesn’t matter whether it makes sense or not: I don’t filter the way my soul wants to express itself when I am listening and sensing internally. I love how playful and silly my four-year-old, angry self is. I restored my anger, love, safety, and my playfulness. Since I witnessed my anger, my heartache disappeared in minutes.
Ten years ago I would have not known what to do with my heart ache, often an intense, dull tightness around my heart. I would have gone to different practitioners. I did, after all, end up at the cardiologist. Irregular heartbeat and no solution. Heart palpitations. Years of healing and learning ways to tap into my body wisdom have left me with many tools to pick from. I don’t freak out as I used to. Neither do I feel doom like I used to, that I was helpless and life and my pains would always continue this way. I didn’t always have these skills or the ability to visualize, connect or tune into my body and emotions this way. It took support, love from others, and skilled practitioners in healing, therapy, and family constellations to build me up.
Now the young, wounded self inside of me can finally come out and be seen. I am glad to see her, for I love her too.